Every woman knows the phrase. It comes from strangers on the street, coworkers in the office, or even acquaintances who think they’re being “friendly.”
“Smile!”
I was once walking out of a grocery store with my husband when an old man sitting on a bench said “You’d be pretty if you smiled.” I hadn’t even had a chance to process what was said before my husband spat back “She’s pretty all the time.” It’s a seemingly small word with outsized implications—a reminder of the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways women are expected to perform emotional labor, prioritize others’ comfort, and conform to societal expectations of femininity.
But let’s be clear: telling someone to smile is not a compliment. It’s a microaggression that reinforces gender inequality and entitlement. And it’s time we fought back against everyday sexism like this, one unapologetic refusal at a time.
The Problem With “Smile”
At first glance, being told to smile might seem harmless, even well-meaning. So why does it feel so infuriating?
Because it’s not just about the smile—it’s about control.
1. Policing Emotions
When someone tells you to smile, they’re making an assumption about how you should feel or appear. It’s a subtle way of saying, “Your neutral or serious expression doesn’t meet my expectations. Change it.”
This strips women of the autonomy to own their emotions, suggesting that we exist to look cheerful and pleasant, regardless of how we actually feel.
2. Entitlement to Women’s Time and Energy
The demand for a smile implies that women should prioritize making others feel good, even at their own expense. It’s a small but telling example of how society often expects women to perform emotional labor without consent.
3. Reinforcing Gender Roles
The “smile” comment plays into outdated ideas of femininity: women should be soft, nurturing, and approachable at all times. It’s a reminder that we’re still fighting against stereotypes that equate worthiness with compliance.
The Broader Issue of Everyday Sexism
The demand to smile is just one example of the everyday sexism women face. These small, often normalized behaviors—microaggressions—add up over time, creating an environment where gender inequality persists.
Examples of Everyday Sexism
- Interruptions: Being talked over in meetings or conversations.
- Unsolicited Advice: Especially on topics women are already knowledgeable about.
- Appearance Policing: Comments about clothing, hair, or makeup choices.
- Assumptions: Assuming women are less competent in leadership roles or STEM fields.
Everyday sexism may not always be overt, but its cumulative impact is significant, contributing to feelings of frustration, disempowerment, and even burnout.
Why Fighting Back Matters
Pushing back against everyday sexism isn’t just about making a point—it’s about reclaiming our autonomy, self-worth, and voice.
When we challenge these behaviors, we:
- Set Boundaries: Teach others that our time, energy, and emotions are not up for debate.
- Inspire Change: Encourage others to question their own biases and behaviors.
- Empower Ourselves: Remind ourselves that we have the right to exist without explanation or justification.
How to Respond to “Smile” and Other Microaggressions
If you’re tired of being told to smile, here are some ways to respond—whether you want to educate, push back, or simply end the interaction:
1. The Direct Approach
- “No, thank you.”
- “I’ll smile when I feel like it.”
- “Why do you think you have the right to tell me how to feel?”
2. The Educator Approach
- “When you tell women to smile, it can come across as controlling. Please think about how that might feel.”
- “Do you tell men to smile too?”
3. The Deflective Approach
- “Why do you ask?”
- “I’m just enjoying my neutral face today.”
4. The Silent Approach
Sometimes the best response is no response at all. A raised eyebrow or a blank stare can be just as effective as words.
Changing the Narrative
While individual responses are powerful, the fight against everyday sexism is also about shifting cultural norms and expectations.
What We Can Do
- Call It Out: Speak up when you witness microaggressions, whether they’re directed at you or someone else.
- Raise Awareness: Share your experiences and encourage conversations about everyday sexism.
- Support Women: Amplify women’s voices, celebrate their achievements, and stand in solidarity when they face discrimination.
- Challenge Bias: Question stereotypes and assumptions, both in others and within ourselves.
The goal isn’t just to stop being told to smile—it’s to create a world where women are seen and valued for who they are, not how they look or behave.
The Power of Defiance
There’s power in refusing to smile when you don’t feel like it. It’s a small but significant act of defiance, a way to reclaim your autonomy in a society that often tries to take it away.
By saying “no” to the smile command, you’re saying “yes” to your authentic self—and that’s something worth celebrating.
Your Turn
Have you been told to smile, or experienced other forms of everyday sexism? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments, and let’s keep this conversation going.
Stay bold,
Jennifer